tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14197313639447442332024-03-14T00:41:43.279-07:00Diary of an ApprenticeDiary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.comBlogger236125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-19019539941201393052014-06-08T19:52:00.004-07:002014-06-08T19:52:51.653-07:00Writer's Block.Someone tell me a story. A kitchen story.<br /><br />It might clear my head a bit from this damned block I have that is refusing to let me finish my chapter on being given an apprentice for the first time.<br /><br />Any apprentice stories? Good or bad?Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-13495522000616671652014-02-18T05:56:00.001-08:002014-02-18T05:56:11.284-08:00Nearing Completion.A name for my book guys?<br />
<br />
Go son.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-40206306203718612682013-11-30T05:33:00.001-08:002013-11-30T05:33:55.885-08:00Countryside.Well I'm cooking again.<br />
<br />
And blogging.<br />
<br />
But not really blogging... Still working on the book. In between feeding my creeping up alcoholism and the constant twitch I've developed whenever my apprentice starts to temperature probe a chip (yes a fucking chip. As in a starchy, handcut aioli-sided potato chip), before asking me if it's cooked.<br />
<br />
Muppets.<br />
<br />
Fucking muppets.<br />
<br />
Somebody buy my book. Then I can have a holiday... And maybe get rid of this twitch.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm a cross between a sad half-assed orgasm and a mental patient in the dementia ward of an aged care home that isn't quite old enouigh to be there...<br />
<br />
Please buy my book :) if I ever find a publisher.<br />
<br />
I miss you all!!!!Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-49496646451353273932013-11-16T02:56:00.001-08:002013-11-16T02:56:31.936-08:00Hey Guys.The blog is gone.<br />
<br />
<br />Little Chef can't do it anymore.<br />
<br />
<br />
Every now and again, we hit a wall, at that wall comes crashing down over our world and we wake up one day and think: "Can I seriously do this anymore?"<br />
<br />
When the answer is no: you're done.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
<br />
Is ALDI hiring? Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-23047896561630948732013-10-26T23:11:00.001-07:002013-10-26T23:11:53.715-07:00Word Of The Day.<p>Going to teach my apprentice a new word.</p>
<p>Exhaustipated:</p>
<p>When I'm too tired to give a crap.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-1014779925112635892013-10-25T21:14:00.001-07:002013-10-25T21:14:45.686-07:00Too True.<p>Spilling a full beer that you've paid for, is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-45149888843386787542013-10-21T15:35:00.001-07:002013-10-21T15:35:25.644-07:00That's Punny.<p>I never buy venison.</p>
<p>It's too deer.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-92228748177434981522013-10-21T15:28:00.001-07:002013-10-21T15:28:52.449-07:00Word Of The Day.<p>Snugglefuck: </p>
<p>A transition from napping/cuddling to sexual foreplay, followed by passionate (rough) sex... a.k.a. I really want to hold you and be close but let's go to pound town on the fuck truck.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-38257079803273706562013-09-18T16:07:00.001-07:002013-09-18T16:07:16.251-07:00The Laws Of Relativity.<p>I got given an apprentice yesterday.</p>
<p>I also have a headache.</p>
<p><i>P</i><i>reeeeeetty </i>sure those two aren't at all related though.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>-cough-</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-57209451494644754582013-09-18T16:04:00.001-07:002013-09-18T16:04:08.520-07:00The Deal Of The Relationship.<p>The boy doesn't like spiders.</p>
<p>I don't like moths.</p>
<p>So naturally we trade off the employment of Who Gets To Kill What.</p>
<p>I don't mind killing spiders either. They're there. You see them. They most likely see you. They don't move.</p>
<p>Moths will suddenly bong a red bull and Jackie Chan the fuck out of a fly kick - right to your face.</p>
<p>Spiders are a lot more courteous.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Fuck moths.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-83574272143983726902013-09-12T18:02:00.001-07:002013-09-12T18:02:08.226-07:00What I Learnt Last Night.<p>Strip poker is a lot more competitive in a onesie.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-59718155981632606842013-09-12T02:11:00.000-07:002013-09-12T02:11:10.129-07:00Like A Boss.Job interview today to work in the bar at one of my favourite clubs.<br />
<br />
The guy interviewing me was possibly the coolest individual I've ever met in my life. At one point he goes silent, picks up my CV and looks at me saying:<br />
<br />
"You're 22... And your resume screams to be cummed on."<br /><br />BetterThanPorn.<br />JobMe.<br />Everything'sComingUpMilhouse.<br />
<br />
You see kids? If you kick the shit long enough, eventually you'll put yourself into a position where everybody wants to kick yours.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-6450714130471922532013-09-10T03:57:00.000-07:002013-09-10T03:57:00.958-07:00Election Time.Politics for me - at least with a two party system - is like having a guy that wants to cum on you.<br />
<br />
Let's say you are given the option of face or tits.<br />
<br />
You will sit there and make your decision and have 20 arguments supporting that decision and why it's the right one, or the right one for you.<br />
<br />
But at the end of the day...<br />
<br />
You're still just getting cummed on.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-63008436512074184372013-09-08T19:15:00.002-07:002013-09-08T19:15:15.682-07:00The Answer To All Problems.My neighbour just caught me top-half naked walking around the house, through the living room window.<br />
<br />
Now, I should be embarrassed. But for some odd reason, I'm not. I'm actually slightly comforted.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Because he gave me the thumbs up.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-81275731555192060592013-09-08T15:07:00.001-07:002013-09-08T15:07:47.352-07:00Festivals.<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">To everyone I go to festivals with.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">As we are currently finallising our summer calender, I have a few points that need to be addressed.</span><br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"> <br /> It has come to my attention that majoirty of people I know are fully aware of my loser tendencies. I believe you have named it "straight edge".<br /> <br />
However it has also been noted that this apparently makes me the
perfect candidate for the designated job title of the "Look After Everyone's Fucked Up Asses" gal.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Just no. Stop it.<br /> <br /> You should take note that: I am already laughing at you. If one of my dearest closest friends is f<span class="text_exposed_show">ucked
up, googed up, naked, drunk, dead, masturbating in public or making out
with a tree branch, unless you choose to do so AFTER the headlining act I'm purposely going to see, I will be of no more assistance to you than every other Joe
Somebody there lolling hysterically at you... Possibly with a video
camera for future blackmailing purposes.<br /> <br /> In the anticipation of such events, (and because I'm a freaking genius when I don't drink too much) I have prepared "Please Return To:" cards which I will distribute if required.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show">Best. Idea. Ever. </span></span>Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-3455153112514734482013-09-08T15:00:00.006-07:002013-09-08T15:00:55.320-07:00Grammar Nazi.<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Bitch please, if you're going to insult me, call me a loser, not a 'looser'.<br /> <br /> I really have no idea what a looser is but it sounds painful and unnecessary.</span>Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-17999864810054143712013-09-01T21:01:00.000-07:002013-09-01T21:02:05.821-07:00Bah Humbug.Currently in a fierce confrontation with my bikini top, which has attached itself to the strap of my wallet and I have no idea how.<br />
<br />
This is all kinds of frustrating fucked up-ness.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-21248508213048395222013-09-01T20:50:00.002-07:002013-09-01T20:51:23.379-07:00Beer O'clock.Chatting to a Scottish guy at my hostel.<br />
<br />
"It's time for a beer."<br />
<br />
To his response of:<br />
<br />
"It's ten in the morning..."<br />
<br />
"It's midday somewhere in the world goddammit! Man is not a camel!"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Chef 1: Scot: 0</span>Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-4569148141134075142013-09-01T20:34:00.002-07:002013-09-01T20:36:49.711-07:00Homesick.I am starting to miss the little things about home.<br />
<br />
Like going to the bathroom where my stuff is already there.<br />
<br />
Getting a glass of water from the tap.<br />
<br />
Big, fat motherfucking chips. None of this French fries crap. <br />
<br />
Walking around naked, without the fear of some German backpacker copping a B-grade full frontal.<br />
<br />
But mostly: <br />
<br />
I miss a toilet being a toilet and a shower being a shower.<br />
<br />
Whilst this does promote some pretty satisfying multi-tasking...<br />
<br />
Those two were never meant to be one and the same.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-35369621144181997702013-08-29T20:19:00.000-07:002013-08-29T20:21:23.494-07:00Travel Talk.People often ask me "What is the most beautiful place you've ever been to?"<br />
<br />
Well this is it.<br />
<br />
Santuario de Las Lajas, Ipiales, Colombia.<br />
<br />
Seriously people, DO IT!<br />
<br />
(Please excuse the bogan flanny respresent - it was a long journey.)<br />
<br />
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<br />Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-76279062429060957312013-08-29T19:13:00.001-07:002013-08-29T19:13:00.857-07:00Boob Grab.<p>That moment when you've stashed cash inside your bra and go to pay for something and it gets lost in the rolling sea of fatty tissue and padded cotton polyester.</p>
<p>It's like: "I swear I <i>am</i> trying to pay you I'm not just showcasing a public nipple-fondling session."</p>
<p>Blah.</p>
<p>GirlsWillUnderstand.</p>
Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-46081188755298911322013-08-29T17:48:00.002-07:002013-08-29T17:48:57.915-07:00Sloth Day.Unfortunately we didn't get a photo until I was nearly finished but I can officially balance a full stein of pilsner on my stomach.<br />
<br />
Not unlike the exhilarating occasion I got a PB time for shucking two dozen Coffin Bay oysters. <br />
<br />
This may be a little bit pathetic... But it was a proud moment.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-74931742900153897612013-08-28T19:42:00.001-07:002013-08-28T19:42:38.332-07:00Same Same But Different.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!</span></div>
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<br />
^ Saigon. Not even during peak hour.<br />
<br />
I will never complain about Melbourne traffic again. Not even for the fuckknuckles that can't comprehend hook turns.<br />
<br />
The chaotic and unsystematic mental institution on two motorised wheels that is Vietnam city streets, trumps all.<br />
<br />
And of course pedestrian crossings are on the list of "Impossible Things That Could Never Happen". I'm not quite sure how I've managed so far but I'm pretty sure I will be returning home a fearless bastard.<br />
<br />
I'm definitely loving the 50c pints, the countless amounts of noodles and the fact that they use the fatty cuts of meat in the street food. A woman named Alyn is to blame for my current podginess. She could be the love child of Pol Pot and Beverly Allitt and I could not give a flying fuck, when she puts a bowl of her seafood stew in front of me on my plastic stool in the less than reputable gutter, I am like a dog having his belly scratched.<br />
<br />
"1000 Star Hotel" is the nickname for living and eating on the streets.<br />
<br />
I got her giggling when I learnt from a staff member at my hostel - the line:<br />
<br />
"Tôi có thể xem danh sách rượu vang?" (Which, A+ for effort, took me over half an hour to learn how to say.)<br />
<br />
Which essentially translates to: "May I see the wine list?"<br />
<br />
I've eaten a lot of cool things too. The egg with the faetus in it was delicious in taste but vomit inducing in texture.<br />
<br />
I've drunk way too much Tiger beer, seductively tampered with gin of course. This involved a few English and Spanish boys at a local bar screeching the Homer Simpson song:<br />
<br />
"You put the gin in the Tiger beer and shake it allllll up!<br />
You put the gin in the Tiger beer and throw the can away!<br />
I said HOOOOMMMMMEEERRRR!<br />
You throw the can away!"<br />
<br />
Getting locals involved in this was the cherry on top too.<br />
<br />
Ha Long Bay is also every bit as beautiful as all the stories. Pictures do it no words either. But there was something eerily cool about blasting some Aoki on a boat in the middle of the bay at sunset, teaching a bunch of six foot Spaniards how to wiggle.<br />
<br />
Melbourne Sound represent!!<br />
<br />
My mate and I departed each other's company in Hue, he wanted a resort and I wanted the surf. So even though it involved spending two days on a bus with a drunk local who had a nasty case of the voms, I've been chasing the surf down the coast to Nha Trang.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Seriously - <i>THIS</i> for two days was definitely a form of torture. Not even for the seating... Or the bright flashing neon lights... Or the faint smell of dead horse meat that's been through two intestinal tracts coming from the bathroom.<br />
<br />
But torturous because they played old Madonna film clips on repeat for the first 8 hour leg of the trip.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">DEATH TO LIKE A VIRGIN!!!</span><br />
<br />
Nha Trang however, has not disappointed.<br />
<br />
For ten days I'm having waves shred my shoulders and (-insert stereotypically corny line-) the sun has been kissing my skin... Then cooking it Tepanyaki style... Then after a bit of After Sun and a cold shower, we're back to kissing.<br />
<br />
Also, I may have a slight quivering soft spot for people that cook seafood for you right on the beach.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Chilli, salt, lime, butter, crayfish. As you can see from my highly motivated position there on the sun lounge... Life's tough.<br />
<br />
I did however think I was going to die when riding to Jungle Beach, keen for the five foot shore break but getting stuck in an instantaneous storm of Herculean proportions.<br />
<br />
Not to mention, monsoon aside, there's nothing like feeling uneasy when you've got a surfboard shoddily attached with some very questionable jockey straps, to a motorbike which for some God unknown reason, they've let me hire for the week even though I don't have a licence. No fucks given by the locals if you've got 10 bucks and fill the 125cc bad boy back up again at the end of the day.<br />
<br />
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<br />
The sunrise however, over the rice paddies, was beyond spectacular.<br />
<br />
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<br />
You see this? <br />
This is essentially a giant vietnamese rice cracker.<br />
A big ass Sa Ka Ta.<br />
Coconut and black sesame flavoured.<br />
Toooo gooood!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
The defining tranquil moment though was finishing the day off with some rice wine, a beautiful sunset and a city view of Hanoi.<br />
<br />
I just never want to leave.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-20098672740478400912013-08-26T18:16:00.000-07:002013-08-26T18:16:09.289-07:00Love Is To Blame.Love is the cause of majority of life's problems.<br />
<br />
And alcohol...<br />
<br />
But alcohol at least then <i>FIXES </i>the problems.<br />
<br />
I used to be delightfully slender.<br />
<br />
Then I fell in love with Lescure...<br />
<br />
DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU DELICIOUSLY SALTY MARBLED BUTTER!!!<br />
<br />
<3 <3 <3<br />
<br />
You hurt me... But I will love you forever and always.<br />
<br />
ChefsWillUnderstand.<br />
<br />
TheFrenchDidSomethingRight.Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419731363944744233.post-59024779290998522362013-08-26T18:08:00.001-07:002013-08-26T18:08:21.671-07:00Whoa.<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Took my Gameboy away to Vietnam for the bus rides and whatnot.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">It's been <i>years</i> since I've played Pokemon but I used to be obsessed when I was younger.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Getting a bit rusty with my Level Of Nerd and I was feeling frustrated that I kept repeatedly trying to punch or karate kick the shit out of a nasty Gengar with my Hypno. Obviously, to no avail. But clearly I was forgetting each time. I dunno... Must be tired or some shit. Was up half the night anyway with the young German couple in the room next to me having mind-blowing sex.</span><br />
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That or they just decided to vacuum over a cat at about 3am... And again at 5.<br />
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But <i>aaannnyyyywwaaayyy.</i><br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"> <br /> Then I remembered that Gengar is Clefairy's shadow... and you can't punch a shadow.<br /> <br /> Mind. Fucking. Blown.</span>Diary of an Apprenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08421130947590323818noreply@blogger.com0