Thursday, 6 June 2013

Did I Cross The Line?

So. I've always been known for having rather creative and somewhat... 'colourful' insults that rotate through my daily vocabulary.

You kind of need it in a kitchen when you factor in that you call your line cook a cunt and your pastry chef a jail bait whore's love child on a regular basis.

My old Sous got called Faggot so much his nickname actually became Fags... And it just stuck.

The top five which are partly original, some stolen, would have to be:

- I hope your morning shit is in the shape of a pine cone.
- Your mum wasn't good enough to be a whore, just her secretary.
- Go sandpaper your ass crack by fucking a toolbox.
- Calling anybody a "training bra".

And my personal favourite, a gift from a girl I worked at the club with:

- Go deep throat a cactus.

But I may have gone too far today... On the tram. Some 15 year old sluz with her iPod in and her $10 Kmart polyester fluffy snow bunny hoodie pulled up, wouldn't give up her seat for this sweet little old guy that I helped up the stairs.

Now that just fucking shits me to tears. Get off your Maccas diet bum and give the man your seat.

So I asked her to move for him. It was obvious she wasn't going to. She just giggled with her friend and said:

"Sorry love, I gots a disability in my hip." -giggle giggle- (Don't even get me started on all the problems I have with that sentence - but seeing as I'd seen her bouncing around at QV Market, obvious reasons aside, it was a load of crap.)

Maaaaybe I was just in a bad mood. Maaaaybe I overreacted. But I stared this girl right in the face and said:

"You're the type of dirty slut that wipes ass to crutch aren't you?"

I got off at the next stop and left her with a gaping expression as I was hifived by a random.

I still see it as win.


  1. You definitely did not over react. By the way your blog is awesome, so accurate if I do say so myself as a former apprentice,

  2. Apprentices Unite. Thanks for the encouragement.

  3. Not an over-reaction... absolutely not.

  4. My one brother always said to our eldest brother, "Mom had to tie a pork chop to your neck just so the dog would play with you."That has been forever a favourite of mine.

    I love your blog, and I find it tearfully funny as I am an apprentice.

    1. Haha that is golden!!! May I steal that for the next time I meet someone that needs a daily dose of Vitamin Shut The Hell Up?

    2. Absolutely!

      It also works if you put " Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a pork chop to your neck just so the dog would play with you!"

  5. This is the most amazing thing I have ever laid my eyes on.