Wednesday, 5 June 2013

I'm Stupid.

I like to think I'm an intelligent person, at least for the majority of the day and only after coffee.

I like to believe that on occasion, I allow my education to abruptly get in the way of my ignorance and stupidity - in the form of a little old cranky lady with a lollipop sign in my head, screeching on her whistle to: "STOP! Think about what the fuck you're doing!"

Thanks little old lady, you've prevented me from being a typical bimbo who says things like : "A day without sunshine is like... Night."

Go me -waves tiny congratulatory flag-

But because I'm human, I do have my moments where thought becomes unfamiliar territory and somewhere out there, I am cruelling depriving a village of their idiot.

Times like when I'm at the supermarket and there's no self serve and suddenly have to live through the what should be relatively simple ordeal of purchasing my groceries.

Instead my mind decides to do a diagonal park in a parrallel universe and everything turns to shit.

It's a habit I'd like to kick... With both feet... In giant boots... Beckham style.

It's all going fine just gettin' some cheese, gettin' some fruit, swipe swipe swipe...

"Cheque, Savings or Credit?"

No idea.

Every. Fucking. Time. I'll freeze up and stand there looking like someone who is dry reaching their vocabulary.

Come ooon! I've used the same damn credit card for 7 years! I KNOW this shit.

"Savings please. Wait. Fuck. Cheque. No credit!!! Definitely credit!"

Yeah that's cool you can give me a patronising little stare, I can hack it. Hell, I've once vomited out the door of the Night Rider, after requesting that the driver pull over along Burwood Hwy in order for me to projectile hurl the 12 Black Sambucas I'd slammed down at Wobble. There's not a lot of looks I can't handle.

"PIN or sign?"

"Errr... Um... PIN." (Fuck! What the fuck is my number?)

While I stumble through an attempt or two, I am fully aware that the cashier is yawning at me with an expression of: "Oh please, do take your time, I always yawn when I'm interested."

Lady, you swipe tampons for a living. Stop it.

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