The last four weekends I have received a phone call from a few friends who are out clubbing and have witnessed a friend being taken away in an ambulance. They just wanted a calm and level-headed person to talk to. They call me because no doubt they know I'm awake and sober.
A former club rat, I have stopped going out because of this. I can't control what my friends do and I never want to. I simply cannot distinguish between making my friends change their actions, to if they were trying to make me do them. Each person makes their own choices in life and I stand by that.
I used to be tolerant to my mates. I was the girl who went out more than anyone, stayed up longer and danced harder, never judging people for what they did and my friends didn't judge me.
I found a niche. A group of people who I could be myself and only myself around, who I could tell every dark, damaged, embarrassing and shameful secret to, and they did not give a rat's ass. They still quote : 'adored their Little One'.
But here's a fact you may be unaware of. In recent months I have become known as a lover of 'podium bangers'. I walk into a club, find an empty and elevated piece of space and I dance there. No it is not for attention, believe me the way I dance does not require any attention. Stevie Wonder's eyes are offended by my dancing.
But truth is, I started dancing on podiums to get away from the crowd. To remove myself from all the loose units who don't realise that they are actually injuring me in amongst their flailing limbs.
I am not here now to whine or whinge or judge, simply to ensure my friends that I love them. However the next person that pulls out the dramatic tears on me when I don't answer my phone or when I say I don't want to go out with them anymore, please stop and look at why I am doing this.
I care. I care about my friends more than anything in this world. But I have been through enough and I am not strong anymore. I cannot sit by and watch another black bag cover up a friend's beautiful face.
The last few years have escalated beyond anything I ever thought possible. It is not a scene I wish to be a part of, no matter how much joy it has brought me in the past. I love the Melbourne scene, I have met some of the most amazing people of my life doing what I love doing and it certainly has had an enormous impact on me.
But what I love doing is dead to me now. The scene I love so much got put away in a black bag too.
Now I am nothing but a stupid girl posting a stupid status about stupid people.
Nothing will change, but it doesn't mean I can't.