Sunday, 17 February 2013

Don't Assume A Virgin Can't Fuck.

So. Basically I have three talents.

-I can put my feet behind my ears.
-I can sing Advance Australia Fair to the tune of Working Class Man and vice-versa.
-and I can skull beer.

Now, don't get me wrong I am a PATHETIC drinker. More than four drinks and I suddenly think the floor is a hammock and that John Farnham is talented and attractive.

... Seriously, ew.

But that has nothing to do with skulling. People are simply stupid enough to write me off with the assumption: "Ah she can't drink so she can't skull."

I have been at the pub now for almost an hour with an old chef buddy of mine and we're on our fourth pot. Winner of the skull gets 20 bucks.

He has lost every single one.

I mean for fuck's sake, if I had've known in high school that my ability to swallow large amounts of liquid quickly could make me rich I would've just quit my part time job at Sanity,  moved to Siena College and labelled myself a slut. For those of you who don't know Siena, the girls there pretty much take more loads in a week than my washing machine has for it's entire 5 year warranty.

My only problem is eventually, (undoubtedly sooner rather than later) I'm going to be drunk enough that I'll start losing.

And I'm pretty fucking competitive at the soberest of times let alone when I'm humming along to Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head and ready to throw myself in the fireplace screaming "Diagon Alley!" The barman will probably offer me a water soon which in a mildly tipsy state, is the last thing I want, primary reason being that usually all I can think of is "Why would I want water? Fish fuck in water..."

Because in my eyes there are two kinds of drinkers:
-people that can handle their alcohol (you know who you are)
-and the people (like me), who can't.

And we have no idea.

Or you could be one of the rare (but not rare enough for my liking) people that drink for the excuse to pursue their calling for true happiness of hooking up with fat hairy women... -cough- each to their own, won't hold it against you, yolo etc etc.

But the moral of this is don't assume. Just because I can't drink to save myself doesn't mean I can't skull. It's no different to assuming a virgin isn't a great fuck.

It's very LIKELY, but you don't know it.

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